Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Little Lizard Tale!

This is a bit long but so very very worth reading...I received it from a friend! I needed that lift at the end of the day!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. I put my best "lizard healer" look on my face and followed himinto his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do."Honey", I called, "come look at this lizard!" "Oh my!" my wife diagnosed the problem after one look."She's having babies.' "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife."Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired. (Actually she was being sarcastic.)":No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed."Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with sarcasim)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "we're about to witness the miracle of birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT great! What are going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."We don't appear to be making much progress." I noted."It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged."Okay, okay" Squeamishly, I reached and grabbed the little foot when it appeared again, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several times more with the same results.
"Should we call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."(I think I was picking up on some similar sarcasim)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet." I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap,"Breathe Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameronmay I speak to you in private for a moment?"I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked."Oh, perfectly," assured the vet. "This lizard is not in labor.In fact that isn't ever going to happen.. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um..um..have certain changes, and he was just...." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm trying to say, don't you Mr Cameron?"We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie was just..just...excited." my wife offerred....Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle...And giggle, and giggle some more, and then to even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its..its...teeny little..."she gasped for more air to only bellow in laughter even more.
"That's enough" I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled little Ernie and our son back to the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad." he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, then collapsing in laughter again.
2 lizards - $1401
cage - $50
Trip to the Vet - $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizards teeny winkie...Priceless!!
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!!

2 comments:

Michelle said...

OH MY WORD!!!! LOL< LOL!

Faith said...

OHMYWORD!!! IM PEEING MY PANTS!!!!LOL!!